Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Week 4... Dear cancer, You suck

Week 3 was rough I aint even gonna lie. I spent most of the week in pajamas and to be honest wore sweats and  a tshirt to radiation more days than not ( which is my pajamas). It is so hard to explain to someone what you are going through. How you feel so shakey and dizzy. how you feel humiliation everytime you got to run to the bathroom. How out of control you feel each time you throw up. The pains in your body. the complete exhaustion you feel. but when you lay down to sleep at night you just can't becuase thoughts keep running through your head. My husband asked me one day what i was doing and I sent him this photo... I literally got up went to radiation and proceeded to going right back to my bed and staying there. and all day I kept looking out the window thinking I need to make myself get up and do something... but I just couldn't.I made it to work one day and felt horrible.
By the time Saturday came I was so stir crazy. Hubby felt sorry for me so we went and looked around at flea markets and thrift stores. Came home and just cuddled on the couch, with me throwing the blanket on cuz I was freezing then throwing it off cause I was burning up, and sitting up becuase my back ached to curling up with my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat.

Sunday = easter. I slept in, when I got up and went in the living room at 11. Hubby had gotten up sometime in the middle of the night and had made me an easter basket. It was such a thoughtful thing. It had a round beach towel I have been eyeing, a tripod I've been wanting for awhile, a cuddly bunny and he even braved going to the mall without me and getting me bath and bodyworks all in a cool galvanized bucket. im still not sure how he got out there to make it without me knowing he left.We got dressed and went to my mamma's house for easter dinner.The easter bunny hadn't quite made it there yet, I told my nephews he was probably stuck in all the mud from the rain. I watched them open up there baskets and ooh and ahh over all there little trinkets, and run all over searching for eggs. It made my day. those smiles. those laughs. those sweet faces. But it also made me miss my own kidlets being that small. I am so glad that the easter bunny was late and let me participate in that.
There is nothing better than your momma's food. You make make the same thing the same exact way she does but hers will always be better, special. and let me tell you my sister and my mom went all out and did not disappoint. It smelled heavenly in her small apartment.She even made little carrots out of the silverware and napkins. and my sister made sweet bunny crescent rolls.
My mom had made me a little mouse for valentines day but I didnt get it til easter, and she made me a rabbit that reminds me of the velveteen rabbit. I love it. It was amazing. and of course a small easter basket in a jar. No matter how old I get I will always love looking in my stocking or basket to see the small things inside.
But the best part was family. Hubby, My mom, my sister and her kidlets, and I even got to see my brother kory that I havent seen in a long time. And even though I mostly sat most of the day over there, it was perfect. and almost made me feel human for awhile. (side note- see those cute littel bunny glasses hubby is sprting? We saw some in hobby lobby and to make me laugh he had put them on and let me take his picture. I actually bought him some from walmart later. He wore those glasses on his hat all day. On the way home from my moms I bugged him about wearing them, so he did the whole way home. even wore them into the gas station to get me a pop. Cracked me up. the cashier told him nice glasses theyre handsome which of course went to his head- sometimes it's the little things)
The best part of easter is the deviled eggs, I don't know why I just love em. so hubby stopped and got stuff for us to make some on the way home. I made them and put them in the fridge ... and forgot about them lol
I wanted guacomole so hubby made me some homemade. We ate with chips and watched wynonna earp, just laying on couch the rest of the night.

Knowing I was gonna have to get up in the morning and start radiation again.
 Week 4 here we are.

 People sometimes say things get easier more you do them... NOPE. I went to radiation and had planned on writing this blog yesterday, but you know how plans go. I was laying on the couch watching Moana and I got really hot and my heart started beating hard and fast in my chest. I checked my blood pressure and it was 100 but the heartrate was 169. I started doing deep breathing and it went down a little, but then I got the worst headache ever. then I had to run to the bathroom several times.Have I mentioned how humiliating that is? It's not as bad if no ones here. So needless to say I spent my day riding the couch again. I did finish a embroidered tea towel. So I felt a little accomplished. I watched Moanna and Frozen... hey don't judge.
Hubby like always asked me what I wanted for dinner. I said chicken. I have not cooked in a long time. it's something I used to always do, and I like it. It's therapeutic to me. He told me if I told him what to do he would do it. I told him I wanted to do it.So we ran up to walmart (which bonus hunny bought me some half off malt balls and reeeses eggs)
But on the way he asked me if I wanted to stop at the river. I don't know why but it has become my thotful spot, a place of peace for me. It had rained late the night before and the river was full . The rapids were running hard, there's something about the sound of roaring water that is peaceful. We sat there for awhile. A brave kayaker decided to try his hand at the rapids. So we watched him for a long while. but it is kinda sad that hubby knew I needed that. without me telling him, or saying a word. He knew. I do not know why but lately the river and laying with my head on his chest is the most peaceful places to me. and when I was ready we headed up to walmart. (Im loving the panoramic setting in my phone)

So I cooked some chicken marinated in spicy Hawaiian mango sauce, made broccoli chicken rice and sauteed mushrooms and onions.... and forgot the damn deviled eggs lol. but just being able to do it made me feel not so useless I guess
I couldn't sleep last night. I kept running to the bathroom , I couldn't get comfortable, and my mind would just not shut off. So when my alarm rang this morning for me to get up and get dressed to go to radiation. there was a part of me that just said nope not today, I can't do this again today. After radiation my doctor had me go talk to the councilor. I used to think that was a sign of weakness or that there were things people would say about it. But I challenge anyone to go through this... this crapt that has taken up 5 years of my life, and not need someone to talk to.Someone who is not family or a friend ,someone who will just listen to you, so you don't have to mince words or tell them your fine, or watch what you are saying. I am depressed Im not going to lie about that. I feel weak I feel beaten down and broken. People tell me i'm strong, but I just don't feel it these days. I've got 3 more days to go, then testing and then see where we go from there. A dear friend from work told me one day at a time, and I said 5 minutes at a time. Because sometimes 5 minutes is all I can seem to handle at a time. When I started writing these blog posts, I was just venting. getting it out to feel better. But when I go to research stuff I find lots of medical and technical posts but nothing about what you really go through, How it really feels. So it is my hope that maybe someone else stumbles upon these posts and realizes that what there feeling is real and they are not going through it alone. That all these positive quotes and memes you see about cancer fighters are amazing and wonderful but it is not how you are going to feel alot... no most of the time, and even I am having a hard time letting myself know that it is okay to feel that way. That somedays just washing your hair is an accomplishment.
I'm not sure what's gonna happen after this week, and trust me I have had many sleepless nights thinking about it. All I know is I am still here, so god must want me here for some reason. And even though it feels like life couldnt get much worse. My rate of survival is 100%. It's taken me about 2 hours and 24 minutes to write this post with my bathroom trips and dizziness and shaky hands. So I am just gonna post it and lay down for awhile, maybe put on tangled or mailificent.
Cancer sux Ya'All!
Hope is what guides us. It's what gets us through the day & especially the nights...

No comments:

Post a Comment