Let the waiting begin...

 I finished my last day of radiation on friday. It was bad. I stopped in to pay my car payment and ended up throwing up on the  floor becuase someone was in the bathroom. Hubby came home to take care of me but I slept most of the day. we went to get something for dinner and I ended up not even making it.
To celebrate hubby, my mom, &  I went up to silver dollar city. It's the festival of wonders and I have been wanting to try some of there bacon food stuff they have. It was a miserable day it was freezing and misting/ raining all day... but it was a wonderful day. We didn't do much. Looked around shops and saw a couple shows but so worth it.
They had an amazing act called earth harp and I am in love. It was truly amazing. This man makes a harp out of the structure of the building. So the strings stretched from the stage up to the beams over
our heads. But I'll come back and talk about the trip later in a different post.
But it was a good day.

I paid the price on Sunday and monday .I was so sore and tired. So tired. 
Yesterday was my testing day . That day is hard to explain. You want it to be good. You know what kind of stuff you have to go through, and you know that you have to wait for results... whether they be good news or bad.
It's a scary day...

 waiting in the waiting room is boring...

In between testing I found this neat little reflecting pool outside. It was very calming to sit there and listen and watch

This may not be the most flattering picture but its accurate. I was ready to leave by this time

Please ignore the stretch marks but I think it's important to share .That not everything is always so positive and uplifting like on the quotes and posters. I mean don't get me wrong. It is good to be positive but it's also hard sometimes. It's hard to keep smiling and pretending everything is alright.

So yes yesterday was testing.. Xrays, cat scans, pet scan, mri, blood work, nasogastric intubation, ecg, echo, ultrasound, blood work, and my absolute favorite "insert tears here" kidney biopsy.

I was poked and proded, and after awhile you just get numb. Numb from it all.

I went to my moms after. I had a very nice visit with her. I got a call from my son. He's a marine and has been overseas for a month know. I havent heard from him til now. He's over in Italy right now. I am so proud and jealous of him lol. He made us laugh.

I also got to hear good news about my grandma. She had breast cancer and they took one of her breasts and the lymph nodes under the arm. My mom said she did well, and they just took her draining tube out. Im pretty proud of her!

While I was talking to mom I started bawling. When this first happened . When you first get diagnosed with cancer, your numb and then you fight for an end goal. and that goal usually comes. But mine came with a price chemo damaged my heart and kidney, then it decided it just wanted to keep coming back and attacking like a parasite. I feel like there is no end game. I feel sometimes like there is no hope of this ever being over. That the fear of when it will come back takes over everything else. the being tired all the time. The getting used to having a headache all the time like it was normal. The sore back, the cramps in the legs, the getting sick and being embarrassed about it. Not eating when you go somewhere for fear of having to run to a bathroom. The humiliation when you do get sick in front of people. Gagging down so many pills. The fear in your family and friends eyes when they look at you. Pretending everything is okay. The not wanting to answer when people are asking how you are doing. Feeling so alone and knowing that your not...

The having no control over your own life.. I have no control of my life. None.

I will keep fighting. It is not in me to give up. Im stubborn like that. But right now I am just tired.

And now we wait...

Cancer Sux Ya'All!

~Hope is what guides you. It's what gets you through the day and especially the night.