Friday, April 28, 2017

Gift wrapped in thoughtfulness & love...

Yesterday was my first day back to work in forever in a long time. lol. I'm going to say I'm pretty proud of myself. I ain't gonna lie it took alot to get motivated and get off the couch and get dreseed, walk down to my car and go. I just feel pooh. It's so hard to describe. My kidneys are still sore from the biopsy and my body feels achy everywhere. my head constantly hurts, and ohh god am I just tired. But I also now that depression is a very real thing and as much as Id like to just wallow in it and stay layed up on the couch in a warm comfy blankey, until I get to hot a throw it off... only to grab it again after a bit... I also know that I need to try to get out of it. to feel useful. to feel a little more normal.

So yep I went to work last night and it was nice. I mean I'm definitely paying for it. I got home I was exhausted my feet back head and hips hurt and I just wanted to sit on the couch and not move.
A couple days ago a good friend of mine from work texted me and asked how I was and said they had something for me and wanted to bring it out. Monday was a horrible day I kept getting sick. I was still in my pjs (shhhh I stay in my pjs alot lately) & I hadn't even combed my hair.. So I told him he really didnt want to come out that day. He told me that was ok he'd bring it to work. So last night he had his friend danielle bring the gift up to work. Him , Danielle, and Taylor had made me a little gift basket.

So let me just tell you first of all I tried really hard not to cry. It was incredibly sweet of them to think of me.I  know that I get so caught up in being sick that I don't pay attention to everything else going around and for that I am truly sorry. Sorry for the missed days at work that others had to take up the slack on. the not returned calls or texts. Not visiting. And for them to take time out of there lifes to say they are thinking of me is amazing. I do have alot of truly amazing family and friends.

One of my absolute favorite things in the world even to this day to do is go through the stocking and pressies at easter and valentines day from my mom. It's almost like a tradition. she still gets us this baskets/ stocking with little odds and ends in them. But they are all chosen specifically for things we like. My husband has started trying to do that and I am thankful for that. This gift was just like that & it made me smile and my heart be filled with warmth. I looked through the basket a little while I was at work and by the time I got home I was exhausted . So this morning I opened it up to check it out.
they truly put thought into what they got. And from the bottom of my heart I thank them.

Just look at these sweet faces. I made them let me take their picture with it.. they were a little reluctant, but Im presistant ;)
 So I'm just gonna show ya what they got me!
The giftie -they even painted my name on it :)
under the papers...
Okay this part is awesome.My skin is soo dry all the time and my lips are always dry from being dehydrated. My husband rubs coconut oil on my feet everynight. and he says I spot chapstick wherever I go lol.. they got me some lotion, chapstick and a mudmask
jellybeans are one of the ways to my heart love them! jellybeans, airheads and a wonder woman cup...Wonder woman.. NEED I SAY MORE!
the crafter in me squealed when I saw these... scrapbook paper, sharpies, and sickers~ superhero, butterflies & baking!

& wonder woman jammie bottoms!

Again I just want to say how sweet & considerate this was.. and how incredibly blessed I am to have such wonderful friends & family.

Cancer sux Ya'all!

~Hope is what guides us. It's what gets us through the day & especially the night


Thursday, April 27, 2017

Note to self, A new release from Ponytails Designs

As women and mothers, we often focus on everyone else but us.  Don’t forget to remind yourself that you are wonderful, worthy, and oh so amazing!  Preserve your stories and memories for your future self as well as your family.  “Note to Self” will help you do just that… so go ahead and scrap about yourself for a change!

Happy Scrappin Ya'All!

A Perfect Day Collection, a new release from LDrag Designs

At last I see the light and it's as if a fog has lifted. At last I see the light now that I see you.
I love Tangled! and looking at this kit just makes me wanna sing that song and go float some paper lanterns.
This week LDrag Designs has another beautiful collection full of my favourite colours! Lavender and teal, greenery and amazing beautiful ellies to scrap all those amazing moments in our lives!
A Perfect Day

This product coordinates with
A Perfect Day: Journal Cards

A Perfect Day: Cluster Frames

A Perfect Day: Worn Out Papers

A Perfect Day: Alphas

A Perfect Day: Glitter Styles

They will all be 30% OFF through Sunday
but if you want to have them all
and SAVE 40% OFF you can grab the collection

and a little inspiration
by Annemarie

by Chrissy

by Joanna

By Karen who made 2

by Kay

by Leah

by Megan

and Roxana

by karrie

and now time for you freebie addon

you can grab it by clicking on the page or HERE!

Happy Scrappin Ya'All!

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Let the waiting begin...

 I finished my last day of radiation on friday. It was bad. I stopped in to pay my car payment and ended up throwing up on the  floor becuase someone was in the bathroom. Hubby came home to take care of me but I slept most of the day. we went to get something for dinner and I ended up not even making it.
To celebrate hubby, my mom, &  I went up to silver dollar city. It's the festival of wonders and I have been wanting to try some of there bacon food stuff they have. It was a miserable day it was freezing and misting/ raining all day... but it was a wonderful day. We didn't do much. Looked around shops and saw a couple shows but so worth it.
They had an amazing act called earth harp and I am in love. It was truly amazing. This man makes a harp out of the structure of the building. So the strings stretched from the stage up to the beams over
our heads. But I'll come back and talk about the trip later in a different post.
But it was a good day.

I paid the price on Sunday and monday .I was so sore and tired. So tired. 
Yesterday was my testing day . That day is hard to explain. You want it to be good. You know what kind of stuff you have to go through, and you know that you have to wait for results... whether they be good news or bad.
It's a scary day...

 waiting in the waiting room is boring...
In between testing I found this neat little reflecting pool outside. It was very calming to sit there and listen and watch
This may not be the most flattering picture but its accurate. I was ready to leave by this time
Please ignore the stretch marks but I think it's important to share .That not everything is always so positive and uplifting like on the quotes and posters. I mean don't get me wrong. It is good to be positive but it's also hard sometimes. It's hard to keep smiling and pretending everything is alright.
So yes yesterday was testing.. Xrays, cat scans, pet scan, mri, blood work, nasogastric intubation, ecg, echo, ultrasound, blood work, and my absolute favorite "insert tears here" kidney biopsy.
I was poked and proded, and after awhile you just get numb. Numb from it all.
I went to my moms after. I had a very nice visit with her. I got a call from my son. He's a marine and has been overseas for a month know. I havent heard from him til now. He's over in Italy right now. I am so proud and jealous of him lol. He made us laugh.
I also got to hear good news about my grandma. She had breast cancer and they took one of her breasts and the lymph nodes under the arm. My mom said she did well, and they just took her draining tube out. Im pretty proud of her!
While I was talking to mom I started bawling. When this first happened . When you first get diagnosed with cancer, your numb and then you fight for an end goal. and that goal usually comes. But mine came with a price chemo damaged my heart and kidney, then it decided it just wanted to keep coming back and attacking like a parasite. I feel like there is no end game. I feel sometimes like there is no hope of this ever being over. That the fear of when it will come back takes over everything else. the being tired all the time. The getting used to having a headache all the time like it was normal. The sore back, the cramps in the legs, the getting sick and being embarrassed about it. Not eating when you go somewhere for fear of having to run to a bathroom. The humiliation when you do get sick in front of people. Gagging down so many pills. The fear in your family and friends eyes when they look at you. Pretending everything is okay. The not wanting to answer when people are asking how you are doing. Feeling so alone and knowing that your not...
The having no control over your own life.. I have no control of my life. None.
I will keep fighting. It is not in me to give up. Im stubborn like that. But right now I am just tired.
And now we wait...
Cancer Sux Ya'All!

~Hope is what guides you. It's what gets you through the day and especially the night.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Fairy Flutter Collection, A new LDrag Designs release

Hello ladies
this is a collection I have been meaning to make for a long time! I love faires and fairytales!!! I love enchanted forests and pixie dust!
Fairy Flutter

This product coordinates with
Fairy Flutter: Journal Cards

Fairy Flutter: Graffiti

Fairy Flutter: Cluster Frames

Fairy Flutter: Worn Out Papers

Fairy Flutter: Glitter Styles

They will all be 30% off through Sunday!
But if you want to have them all
and SAVE 40% OFF you can grab the bundle

and a little inspiration
by Bea

by Annemarie

by Karrie

by Joanna

and by Roxana

and now time for your freebie!
you can grab it by clicking on the preview or HERE!
Thank you all for reading!
Happy scrappin Ya'all!

Ray of light Template set, A Ponytails Designs release

I have a new template set for you today that features radiating lines from a photo cluster.  I’ve always loved this look on a page, but kits don’t always include this type of paper.  Create your own with Ray of Light!

Happy scrappin Ya'All!

Everyday Awesomeness, A Ponytails Designs release

You know that old saying, “Every day may not be good, but there’s something good in every day”?  I try to live by that philosophy as much as possible and look for something positive, even if the day has been really crappy.  It helps me put things into perspective and sleep a little better at night.  As the 80’s girl I am, “something good” means awesome… like, totally.


Happy Scrappin Ya'All!

Off to Neverland collection, a Magical Scraps Galore release

Sail high into the moonlit sky with the boy that never grows up and off to a magic place called Neverland!
Inspired by the all-time favorite fairy tale of Peter Pan, this new collection by Magical Scraps Galore overflows with beautiful patterns and custom drawn elements that cover everything from the flight over London to pirates, indians, lost boys and fairies, and is perfect to scrap your magical meet and greets, your theme park photos, your birthday party, and so much more!
Find the full collection  -or the individual kit and add-ons atGingerScraps, Scraps N Pieces and The Digichick.
Some wonderful inspiration from the Creative Team:

CT members Karrie and Janet created these super cute clusters using the Off To Neverland collection!
Visit Magical Scraps Galore's blog here to download!
Stay tuned for Marina's new collection coming to stores later this month:
  Happy Scrappin Ya'all!

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Week 4... Dear cancer, You suck

Week 3 was rough I aint even gonna lie. I spent most of the week in pajamas and to be honest wore sweats and  a tshirt to radiation more days than not ( which is my pajamas). It is so hard to explain to someone what you are going through. How you feel so shakey and dizzy. how you feel humiliation everytime you got to run to the bathroom. How out of control you feel each time you throw up. The pains in your body. the complete exhaustion you feel. but when you lay down to sleep at night you just can't becuase thoughts keep running through your head. My husband asked me one day what i was doing and I sent him this photo... I literally got up went to radiation and proceeded to going right back to my bed and staying there. and all day I kept looking out the window thinking I need to make myself get up and do something... but I just couldn't.I made it to work one day and felt horrible.
By the time Saturday came I was so stir crazy. Hubby felt sorry for me so we went and looked around at flea markets and thrift stores. Came home and just cuddled on the couch, with me throwing the blanket on cuz I was freezing then throwing it off cause I was burning up, and sitting up becuase my back ached to curling up with my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat.

Sunday = easter. I slept in, when I got up and went in the living room at 11. Hubby had gotten up sometime in the middle of the night and had made me an easter basket. It was such a thoughtful thing. It had a round beach towel I have been eyeing, a tripod I've been wanting for awhile, a cuddly bunny and he even braved going to the mall without me and getting me bath and bodyworks all in a cool galvanized bucket. im still not sure how he got out there to make it without me knowing he left.We got dressed and went to my mamma's house for easter dinner.The easter bunny hadn't quite made it there yet, I told my nephews he was probably stuck in all the mud from the rain. I watched them open up there baskets and ooh and ahh over all there little trinkets, and run all over searching for eggs. It made my day. those smiles. those laughs. those sweet faces. But it also made me miss my own kidlets being that small. I am so glad that the easter bunny was late and let me participate in that.
There is nothing better than your momma's food. You make make the same thing the same exact way she does but hers will always be better, special. and let me tell you my sister and my mom went all out and did not disappoint. It smelled heavenly in her small apartment.She even made little carrots out of the silverware and napkins. and my sister made sweet bunny crescent rolls.
My mom had made me a little mouse for valentines day but I didnt get it til easter, and she made me a rabbit that reminds me of the velveteen rabbit. I love it. It was amazing. and of course a small easter basket in a jar. No matter how old I get I will always love looking in my stocking or basket to see the small things inside.
But the best part was family. Hubby, My mom, my sister and her kidlets, and I even got to see my brother kory that I havent seen in a long time. And even though I mostly sat most of the day over there, it was perfect. and almost made me feel human for awhile. (side note- see those cute littel bunny glasses hubby is sprting? We saw some in hobby lobby and to make me laugh he had put them on and let me take his picture. I actually bought him some from walmart later. He wore those glasses on his hat all day. On the way home from my moms I bugged him about wearing them, so he did the whole way home. even wore them into the gas station to get me a pop. Cracked me up. the cashier told him nice glasses theyre handsome which of course went to his head- sometimes it's the little things)
The best part of easter is the deviled eggs, I don't know why I just love em. so hubby stopped and got stuff for us to make some on the way home. I made them and put them in the fridge ... and forgot about them lol
I wanted guacomole so hubby made me some homemade. We ate with chips and watched wynonna earp, just laying on couch the rest of the night.

Knowing I was gonna have to get up in the morning and start radiation again.
 Week 4 here we are.

 People sometimes say things get easier more you do them... NOPE. I went to radiation and had planned on writing this blog yesterday, but you know how plans go. I was laying on the couch watching Moana and I got really hot and my heart started beating hard and fast in my chest. I checked my blood pressure and it was 100 but the heartrate was 169. I started doing deep breathing and it went down a little, but then I got the worst headache ever. then I had to run to the bathroom several times.Have I mentioned how humiliating that is? It's not as bad if no ones here. So needless to say I spent my day riding the couch again. I did finish a embroidered tea towel. So I felt a little accomplished. I watched Moanna and Frozen... hey don't judge.
Hubby like always asked me what I wanted for dinner. I said chicken. I have not cooked in a long time. it's something I used to always do, and I like it. It's therapeutic to me. He told me if I told him what to do he would do it. I told him I wanted to do it.So we ran up to walmart (which bonus hunny bought me some half off malt balls and reeeses eggs)
But on the way he asked me if I wanted to stop at the river. I don't know why but it has become my thotful spot, a place of peace for me. It had rained late the night before and the river was full . The rapids were running hard, there's something about the sound of roaring water that is peaceful. We sat there for awhile. A brave kayaker decided to try his hand at the rapids. So we watched him for a long while. but it is kinda sad that hubby knew I needed that. without me telling him, or saying a word. He knew. I do not know why but lately the river and laying with my head on his chest is the most peaceful places to me. and when I was ready we headed up to walmart. (Im loving the panoramic setting in my phone)

So I cooked some chicken marinated in spicy Hawaiian mango sauce, made broccoli chicken rice and sauteed mushrooms and onions.... and forgot the damn deviled eggs lol. but just being able to do it made me feel not so useless I guess
I couldn't sleep last night. I kept running to the bathroom , I couldn't get comfortable, and my mind would just not shut off. So when my alarm rang this morning for me to get up and get dressed to go to radiation. there was a part of me that just said nope not today, I can't do this again today. After radiation my doctor had me go talk to the councilor. I used to think that was a sign of weakness or that there were things people would say about it. But I challenge anyone to go through this... this crapt that has taken up 5 years of my life, and not need someone to talk to.Someone who is not family or a friend ,someone who will just listen to you, so you don't have to mince words or tell them your fine, or watch what you are saying. I am depressed Im not going to lie about that. I feel weak I feel beaten down and broken. People tell me i'm strong, but I just don't feel it these days. I've got 3 more days to go, then testing and then see where we go from there. A dear friend from work told me one day at a time, and I said 5 minutes at a time. Because sometimes 5 minutes is all I can seem to handle at a time. When I started writing these blog posts, I was just venting. getting it out to feel better. But when I go to research stuff I find lots of medical and technical posts but nothing about what you really go through, How it really feels. So it is my hope that maybe someone else stumbles upon these posts and realizes that what there feeling is real and they are not going through it alone. That all these positive quotes and memes you see about cancer fighters are amazing and wonderful but it is not how you are going to feel alot... no most of the time, and even I am having a hard time letting myself know that it is okay to feel that way. That somedays just washing your hair is an accomplishment.
I'm not sure what's gonna happen after this week, and trust me I have had many sleepless nights thinking about it. All I know is I am still here, so god must want me here for some reason. And even though it feels like life couldnt get much worse. My rate of survival is 100%. It's taken me about 2 hours and 24 minutes to write this post with my bathroom trips and dizziness and shaky hands. So I am just gonna post it and lay down for awhile, maybe put on tangled or mailificent.
Cancer sux Ya'All!
Hope is what guides us. It's what gets us through the day & especially the nights...