Wednesday, March 29, 2017

It's not always puppies & kittens & inspirtational quotes...

Day 3 of radiation out of 15-20.
Yep it's going that good.
Yesterday was pretty bad, My blood pressure spiked and they gave me a sedative to help me rest for awhile after and some anti nasuea medication. When they released me I was still shakey and decided to go see my mom. Becuase it's calming to go to her house.And to be honest Im going through a very depressed phase that I am just unsure if all this is worth it. Now dont get me wrong and think im going all suicidal. But I think that anyone that has gone through this is not all positive quotes and sunshine. there are days that you feel like eeyore with that damn raincloud following you around.

Every time I have had gotten my news of cancer I sent text messages to everyone letting them know. however I have been starting to feel like It is a burden like it is what defines me. the girl with cancer. that it is about the only thing that some people talk aboutor that i send them and I'm not entirely sure if there wanting to hear about it. The day I got my news I was numb I went to work to get paperwork to file for intermittent leave. I told no one, except kelley and amanda only because they were in the room when I came in for the paperwork, and I really didn't talk to them much, I just tried to get the paperwork and go.I spent the rest of the time at the doctors filling out the paperwork on the phone, asking me questions and all I wanted to tell the nice lady on the phone is right now I really just don't want to deal with this im having a pretty shitty day. but instead  I politely answered all her questions and then ran to work. at my break I spent 40 minutes back on the phone giving them the rest of the information they needed. I sent my mom a email. I hate calling on the phone and I didnt have any time... but maybe a little because really what does one say. that isnt going to make you burst in to tears and feel like your heart is pounding and you cant breathe but you also have to be brave be strong and comfort those around you. I didnt even tell my husband. He came and picked me up from work. We went and got something to eat and I told him when we got home...
There's this look that people get sometimes. this look of like they are going to lose me or scared or pity or they dont know what to say. My husband gets this look alot. I tell him not to give me the look.
I understand that this doesnt just effect me it effects everyone around me . that everyone is going to have feelings they deal with too. But I also know that I have my feelings to deal with and all this crapt then I got to try to figure out how to comfort the person to put on a brave face when I am feeling like crapt, i gotta pretend everything is okay... it's not. not right now. everything. is. not. okay.

So I went to my moms and it did not go well. she was upset about me not calling and asked why I didnt want them to know. which was not the case. I sent my mom an email. and I assumed she had read it. I understand that she was upset.and that's okay but I also think  she could maybe understand my situation. She wanted to keep getting upset and I left. Maybe this is selfish of me I don't know. But I do know that I am trying my best to get through this situation. Im sick Im sore Im tired and Iam emotionally drained.

So yeah day 3 of radiation... My heads pounding , my insides are shakey, im dizzy, i burn up then I freeze , my body hurts & leg cramps from hell . Im gonna lay down for a bit and see if I can make it to work today. Im gonna come home &
then Im gonna get up and do it all again tomorrow.

some food for thought...

“Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles.” » Alex Karras
“Cancer is that awful word we all fear when we go to the doctor for a physical exam, but in that brief dark moment we hear it the world we live in and the people we share it with begin to illuminate things we did not even pay attention to.” » BD Phillips
“Sometimes you have to go through things and not around them”
" the only courage that matters is the one that gets you from one moment to the next"
“You don’t always have to hold yourself together.” » II Corinthians
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” » Albert Einstein'
“Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway.” – Emory Austin
“There is no hope unmingled with fear, no fear unmingled with hope." – Baruch Spinoza
“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” – Ambrose Redmoon
“Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amidst joy.” – Felicia Hemans
"Some days I had to tell myself get through the next 5 minutes, I can make it through the next 5 minutes, And I did i made it through the next 5 months of my daughters cancer treatment 5 minutes at a time"

    Cancer sux Ya' All!

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