Today I am going to do something that I really just have mixed feelings about.
Cancer is like the gift that just keeps giving and that you can't return or exchange. My heart and my kidneys are just worse.So where I thought I could focus on the healing and moving on from this... Nope blindsided again. What is that quote? Oh yeah- if you want to make god laugh...tell him your plans.
2 days ago I felt funny and took my blood pressure it was 207. I called my doctor and she had me immediately go in. After some blood work and chlazapem(sp?), She let me go home but told me to come back in the morning. I checked my bp before I went in and it was 185. When I got to the dr it was 187.
My blood work showed I had severe kidney infection and anemia both making my blood pressure spike. So she put me on keflex for a week and sent me for ultrasound and more blood work and also got some more chlazapem for my little visit. We discussed if the keflex worked that we would put me on nitrofuranton forever but that it would help keep infections away or at the very least not as bad. She wouldn't let me leave until it went down to 165. still high but not critical hypertensive high.
...But we also discussed something that just brings me to tears and i really don't know why. Working less.
I mean I know she advised it ALOT when I was going through my treatments every time my cancer came back. But work made me feel like I was accomplishing things and that I was important and gave me some meaning... and also kept my mind off of things. But having your blood pressure up to 207 is really really scary. I know that this is something that I need to do for myself and I know that I should not feel this way but for some reason it makes me feel weak , or lazy , that Im letting people down or im not sure how to describe it. I worked though my chemo and most of my radiation. and my mind tells me I should be able to handle this.
So today Im gonna go talk to my bosses and ask about the possibilities of only working 4 days a week for a couple months or so .Im not proud of it. But it is something that I would rather do than the alternative. dialysis and a heart pump are inching there way closer and closer.
Thanks for listening to me . Im not sure if anyone actually reads these but I know for some reason it's therapeutic to just write out how I feel and get it out.
Cancer sux Ya'All!
Read and felt. My heart and hopes are with you.
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