Friday, March 24, 2017

Victory was sweet but victory was short...

Hello my name is Karrie & I have cancer!

Yep again. I lasted a whole 2 weeks since my all clear sign, although technically it took 3 weeks to find out, so Im totally claiming those so 5 weeks of all clear.
So when the doctor calls you to tell you to come in for an appt about your lab results and won't tell you over the phone... that's a big red flashing warning light!
Danger Danger will robinson!
I shouldn't have been so surprised. But I was also hoping.. I do alot of that .
Luckily the new pills they started me on last week has lowered my blood pressure so at least thats not 215 anymore... that scared me.
I also found out that my thyroid level is 41.080 when it should range in the .45-4.5 level. Yep thats HIGH. she told me she did not know how I function that it was the 5th highest she had seen. I told her I always strive to be the best but I would gladly give that up... she laughed. inside I cried.
I finally decided to bite the bullet and file for intermittent leave at work. I have not done so in all these times and it still makes me feel bad. like im weak or lazy or I don't know. and yes I know I shouldnt feel that way,
I can't help it.
But you know that saying " the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" yep thats me.
I went to work yesterday I did my job and Im good at it. I didn't cry ...well except when I saw amanda and kelley when I was trying to get the paperwork. but they dont count cuz I cry to them .. ALOT. those girls probably deserve some kind of metal or something cuz they go above and beyond to be strong for me and to keep me going. Im pretty lucky that way I have a lot of support. it can be a blessing and a curse. like when people ask you how your doing. I always say im good or fine or im here.. but really I wanna say I feel like crapt and im about one second from having a major meltdown but im trying to keep my shit together. & sometimes I feel like I have to be strong for everyone like its pre requisite for having cancer.
Trust me Im not always strong.
My hubby goes to work at 3 something in the morning. Ive been up since 4 . Trust me not what I wanted either. I tried to sleep but I tossed and turned . and my mind would just not.Shut.Up!
Right now I'm calm or rather probably numb on the outside but inside there is like a category 7 hurricane going on inside me.
So today I started the meds for the thyroid and let me tell you... they sux.
Im gonna go to work and do the very best I can do cuz I kinda like my job and I can pretend im normal and okay. Maybe i'll even wear makeup today.
You know kinda like Miranda Lambert would say go on and fix your makeup, and never let them see you cry.
Im not sure what adventure is in store this weekend, but monday I will be right in to start my 3-4 weeks of radiation. See now it's the big guns cuz they totally skipped over the chemo this time.
And after a couple days of being depressed and thinking that I really just don't know how much more I can do.. I'll get over it & I will continue this damn fight.
Last weekend we went to silver dollar city and I went to the chapel and sat in there for a little bit . It brought me peace. I know that god has a plan for everyone and he knows what he's doing. I just wish he would ease up a little on me for just a bit.
There are so many things running around my head right now that I wanted to write to get them out . And I have probably missed half of what I wanted to say but Im tired and feel like pooh so im gonna post this.
Cancer sux Ya'All!

Hope is the thing that guides me. It's what gets me through the days & especially at night.

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