I try really hard to be brave and strong... and I think I put on a pretty good face. But the fact of the matter is I'm tired. I'm exhausted. Im sore. I ache. Im hot .Im cold. Im depressed.... and I am just about done.
Okay that last part may not be actually true im not done. I wanna say Im done some days but I just don't have it in me to quit.
One of the worst things about cancer is before they told me my cancer was back I was feeling fine. I mean my kidney & heart were still having problems from the chemo before... But I felt fine.
Last night as I felt my heart racing and beating hard... I just sat there and cried. I mean there's got to be more to life than being scared to death of every little thing that happens to ya.
I do everything Im supposed to . I be a good person and a happy person. I'd do just about anything to help someone, and I have a good heart ( well you know figuratively cause not so much literally)... I thought good things were supposed to happen to good people????
Im depressed. Yep Im just gonna say it. It seems to get worse everytime I get chemo. This damn overwhelming sense of dread and hopelessness I just cannot get rid of no matter how many smiles I plaster on my face & try to just overcome. & I know it will get better. It just really sux right now.
Then I start thinking about how everyone has stress, everyone gets sick.. and maybe I should just suck it up & be strong... Hence the circle goes round and round. I have talked with my support group and with my councilor about it, even done research on it. It is normal... Im normal! (hey small victories)
Just as cancer treatment affects your physical health, it affects the way you feel, think, and do the things you like to do. Besides causing many emotions that may surprise you, the treatment may actually change the way your brain works. Just as you need to take care of your body after treatment, you need to take care of your emotions.
Each person's experience with cancer is different, and the feelings, emotions, and fears that you have are unique as well. The values you grew up with may affect how you think about and deal with cancer. Some people may feel they have to be strong and protect their friends and families. Others seek support from loved ones or other cancer survivors or turn to their faith to help them cope. Some find help from counselors and others outside the family, while others do not feel comfortable with this approach. Whatever you decide, it is important to do what's right for you and not compare yourself to others."
Just a week and 1 day & I will get my surgery and HOPEFULLY take care of this nasty little bugger I have clinging on inside me. But today...
Today I can't get any sleep cuz my legs cramp and get restless to the point I cannot keep them still . To the point where it makes me cry. I have tried everything people have told me. potassium, tumeric, restless leg pills, wine before bed, vitamin b6 & b12, coq10, heating pad, even soaking in a hot bath...I'm exhausted
Today my heart beats poundingly hard & fast and scares the crapt out of me, has me breathless.
Today my lower back aches from my kidneys.
Today Ive got headaches that are asprin resistant and never really ever go away, there just always there.
Today Im freezing one minute and burning up the next .
Today I get menstrual cramps that feel like my insides are being yanked out.
Today I feel like a pincusion.
but Tomorrow.. I have hope. I guess thats as best as I can ask for.
Thanks for letting me rant!
Cancer sux Ya'All!