What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? But you'd be surprised what you can go through before you die... or at least feel that way. And I feel that way.
First of radiation is WAY worse than chemo.
For the last 2 days I have got in my car and thought do I really want to do this again? But for that chance that this won't come back, for that small hope that even though I don't want to feel, but do anyways... I go.
Being sick isn't pretty. I feel awful. I look like pooh. It's not that cutesy pretty pink commercials. It's real. It's emotional. It's gross.It's tiring & exhausting. and it's painful.
My head feels like its in a vise grip. Im exhausted from getting very little sleep, between nerves, thinking, & my legs crampy and feeling like they have to move all the time. I spend the better half of my day running to the bathroom not knowing if I'm going to throw up or have diarrhea or both. My throat is sore from throwing up. The nausea is worse because at least when I throw up , I get a little relief for a little bit. My stomach hurts. I'm cold . I'm hot. I'm dizzy. I am so extremely tired and just cannot sleep. I just want to bawl... and I know I'm complaining. But I am also surviving. I am beating this. This sucks right now, I am not even gonna lie. I miss my friends. I miss my work. I miss feeling like a human being. But I only have 2 more days left... 2 more days... 2 more days... 2 more days...
I have been doing that everyday since the first day. And praying for strength to make it through this... but right when I need it the most I always get a lil sign from god. yesterday when I was feeling bad, my good friend sent me a text
I feel like I'm letting people down though. This makes me feel like I should just suck it up and get on with life. Put a smile on your face & work through it.
My momma sent me a text the other day and told me she wished she could take the pain away. Mommas always know the right thing to say to ya. Sometimes I stop by there because it just has a calming effect.
My husband has been extremely supportive making sure im eating or rubbing my back, my head or my legs, getting me ice, and even little thing like getting me muddy bears, chocolate marshmallows, & cadbury eggs cuz he know I like them.
Today my dr came and saw me cuz yesterday I was extremely dizzy and had to take a sedative and lay down for 2 1/2 hours . My red blood cells are low. my hemoglobin is 6.7 ( 6.6-8 g/dl is severe 6.5 and under is life threatening) she said that is what is making me dizzy and my heart beat fast. Because of radiation she doesn't want to give me a transfusion unless it becomes absolutely necessary. So she told me to eat iron rich foods and take iron pills, b12 and folic acid. and if it doesnt get better there is a drug she said she can give me through an iv (erythropoietin)
I live in the country. Yes way out in the stix. not very many people around. I stood on my front porch and just screamed. The dog & cats looked at me like I was a crazy women. So yes like a crazy woman I had a conversation with them. explaining myself... to cats & a dog. Im not sure if they understood but I did feel a little better. then I decided to come and write a blog post about this.Im trying really hard to not feel depressed. but I just can't help it. I guess I just got to believe that god has a plan for me. Cancer has tried to take me 4 x's and god hasn't let that happen yet. So I just need to make it through this.
2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...2more days...
Cancer sux Ya'All!