Friday, December 23, 2016

Iv drip for one please!

So yesterday was one of those no good terrible horrible days...
It started with the doctor calling me telling my lab results came back and my levels were extremely low & I needed to come in. And hooked up to an Iv I was (insert yoda voice impression here)
I don't post pictures like this to get attention. I post pictures like this so people understand that Cancer is not all pink and positive thoughts, & fighting like a girl...

Its painful, It's hard, & It's ... scary.
Something that is so tiny can just ravage your whole body. Wreak havok with your emotions. Wear you down , emotionally drain you.
People see the smiling positive "strong" you... they don't see the crying , laying in a bed in a ball, the running to the bathroom , the embarrassment, the needles, the tests, the results, the constant pain, & the hope that someday this will just be over, but worried about the next time.

I went to work about an hour late being hooked up to this. & I wanted to be at work & just get my mind off of it. but I was freezing and shaking. I asked if they wanted me on a register as it was pretty busy. & I love being on the registers sometimes and just talking with people... but 5 minutes after my poor cashier went on break I knew it was a very bad idea. when he came back I was never so glad to see another person in my life. I was just sitting there praying he came back in time ... and I made a mad dash to the bathroom hoping to god I didn't throw up before making it there.
I made the decision to go home running to the bathroom all night was not an option. I had to run to the back bathroom to make it again. (and stop on the way home to throw up on the side of the road.)

When I got to my car I sat there shaking and freezing and I just started to bawl. this was not the strong karrie, this was a weak karrie. During an argument once my husband had told me that I was lazy, that I was using being sick as an excuse not to do things, that I was making a bigger deal than it was... And that is always in the back of my head when things like this happen. I think maybe I should be able to handle this? Maybe I should just stick it out? Maybe I am being lazy?

But I went home. I put on warm jammies, and warm socks, and wrapped up in a warm blanket ... and went to sleep. Selfish or not , right or wrong, It was something my body needed. I layed there and watched elf, and the grinch, & frozen... becuase this just don't really feel like Christmas to me.

Today is a new day...

Cancer sux Ya'All!

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