Well tomorrow is my 4th & hopefully final C-Day! I put this off so that I could go to Washington & til after Christmas. But the day is finally here and I can't say i'm excited.... more like terrified and scared to death. & have more than once just said nope. You know how when you were a kid and you went to school everyday and you got used to it, then summer comes & you get that break and you forget about all of it ? but then September comes & you know whats going to happen and you just really wish it was back to july. you dread that moment. You remember all the crapt associated with it.
... Well that's how I feel. I know whats going to happen tomorrow. I know how it's going to be scary and hurt and feel like death for the first day and you can't eat and when you do you can't taste anything and you will feel exhausted and when you start to just feel numb then you get depressed and just can't seem to help it... Nope I am not looking forward to this.
But I am looking forward to closing this chapter & finally working towards an end game kicking this cancers ass! I can tell how run down I am getting , even if I don't want to admit that to myself. I come home from work and my legs just ache so bad I cry . My head constantly hurts. Can't hardly eat. Im having to drink ensure and it makes me feel like an elderly person or a baby. & I try to put on a smile and be brave & strong.. but sometimes I just really wanna curl up in a ball and cry.
I just wanna feel like a normal person again.
Okay , So my rant is over . I have vented & feel a little better.
So wish me luck that I walk into that place and lay there like a good girl instead of getting back in my car and running away ( oh yeah trust me I've thought about that a time or two) & if ya get a chance pop over to my facebook or comment here & just say hi. I' ll be in isolation for 3 days since I'll be "contagious". & oh do you get stir crazy.