Tuesday, September 6, 2016

It hit me like lightning...

There are days that I am so done with all of this. I want to scream and cry and throw a fit and just want to know why.
Why me?
This part of the song really gets to me . 
"It hit me like lighting late one night
I was all out of hope and all out of fight.
Couldn't fight back the tears so I fell on my knees
saying god if your there come and rescue me" 

I have hope because without it I have nothing. And I know that god must have a plan. I just wish he would share that plan with me. I said when I found out again that maybe he was trying to teach me a lesson and I just wasn't getting it. Im trying to figure just what that lesson is so I can rectify it.
On thursday I went home early from work. I felt so bad later learning that a coworker never showed up & left the outher csm all alone. but I just couldn't do it. we had a high up in our store for a visit and it would have been horrifying to throw up in front of him.
I went to the doctor on Friday to find I was extremely dehydrated and my body is not getting the nutrients that it needs from the throwing up.And my kidneys are pissed cause they decided to give me a bad kidney infection. So they put me on a saline and nutrient iv. 
But I went to work and made myself do it.
I honestly think if it wasnt for work I would just sit here and be depressed.
Work gives me something to focus on and gives me purpose. Makes me feel like maybe my life means something. I can go and cry on my friends shoulders, or talk .
I don't want someone to read this and think I am just complaining and bitching. I use this to get out my feelings , so I can rage and get sad and get depressed... then get over it.

So I think Im just going to take this thing day by day .

~ hope is what guides me it it what gets me through the day... and especially the night.

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