Sunday, September 18, 2016

C Day!

Friday Sept 16, 2016... C DAY!
 Yep Friday was my Chemo day. I could not sleep all night knowing it was coming. My mind just kept turning all night long.
I wish I could tell you that I took it like a champ. Big and Brave.. but I can't.. I can tell you that I did it.. and am still here alive and kicking.
I got up , and got dressed.. but what does one wear to chemotherapy? Well wonderwoman of course. Yes when there I had to wear those all to lovely hospital gowns, But it helped knowing she was there, giving me strength... cuz lord I needed it.

As I was driving and praying, the sky was truly gorgeous.
 As I pulled up to the doctors I just sat in my car and wondered if I could just run away. Instead I took some very deep breaths, pulled up my big girl panties... and walked one foot in front of the other into the building.
 I checked in, filled out my paperwork.. and waited.
I was called in and we went over all the procedures and the side effects and how to deal with everything. My doctor patted me on the hand and told me it was all gonna be okay.... but is it really?
So into the room I went and changed into the "gown".
Yes folks this is what fear looks like. the feeling of not knowing what is coming next, and wondering just how much you can actually take, without having a complete breakdown.
Anywhooo. I am extremely dehydrated and not getting the amount of nutrients my body is needing so after putting in my Iv I had to be on saline and nutrients for they said about an hour but it was more like an hour and a half. Then they came and gave me some zofran for anti nausea, and Clonazepam for anti anxiety.
Because my kidney and heart is so bad we decided to get introlesional chemo injection of vincristine, doxorubicin, and cyclophosfamide. That means that they poked me with some needles to numb the area and then stuck a long needle down into my tumor to give me the shot using an unltrasound.
sounds fun huh?
NOPE. I HATE NEEDLES! The iv had me blubbering, you have no idea when they stuck that needle "with your gonna feel a little pressure" down into my uterus. The procedure took about 15 minutes.
But then I had to wait for a little over an hour to make sure I was okay to leave.

I told my friend at work the outher day that I would rather take the chemo pill everyday than the hormone therapy... I was wrong ...ohh so wrong. of course this was not a low dose and was given all at once.
I cannot even begin to describe the feeling. Your dignity and humility goes right out the window.
I was throwing up, I had diarrhea. I ached all over, I was burning up and had chills. My head was killing me... I could not even think.
I literally just layed on a towel in my bathroom floor for most of the day.
Most people like me didnt know that when you get chemo you are "contagious" for 48 hours. it leaves your body through sweat, vomit, bodily fluids. So I had to wear a facemask. flush the toilet twice every time it was used, spray lysol and use hand sanitizer.
I am at this point so very grateful that no one decided to be a good samaritan and come sit with me. I would have been mortified and I would have worried that I would get them sick.
I wasn't even sure if it was worth all of it about 4 hours in. I was completely done. done with life, done with being sick.. done with cancer. why couldnt I just be normal. why did this have to happen.. not only once but 4 times?
Hey you have a lot of time to think as your laying on a bathroom floor alternating between getting sick out of both ends...
Cancer is not pretty... and it is definitely not for the weak. I do not think of myself as strong sometimes. but I ask how many people would feel strong going through this. It used to make me feel bad because I know there are others that have had it worse and even not conquered it.. but in  few moments I've decided its okay to just be weak.
As far as selfies go these suck.. but I wanted to show that its not always pretty people dont always smile. I had to change out of my wonder woman shirt when I got home cause I had thrown up on it a couple times... into the wash it went for 2 washes. and I changed into my peach jammies I bought just for this occasion. I have breast cancer shirts and sweats but it infuriates me that breast cancer is so easily accessible but outher cancers are not.

Around 5 hours in god must have took pity on me cause the throwing up and cramping calmed down.
I layed on the couch and clicking through the channels I found watched big hero 6.. my level of pain is around a ... 9  okay by that time maybe not a 9 but it felt like I was dieing.
 I ate some soup around 9 but it had no taste. I watched tv and tried to sleep. my body ached so bad. I tossed and turned. my head hurt.
I got up and decided today is a new day Im just gonna get over this... nope. today I had this overwelming since of sadness, hopelessness. I just can't describe it and I cant fix it. I pretty much laid around all day. my body is just exhausted. I took 2 hot baths, they helped a little.
Todays sunday and my body doesn't hurt as bad but the ache is still there. I havent puked since yesterday morning. and even the diarhea isnt always there so thats a plus. I still feel down. But Im hoping it will go away. or I will just work around it.
I think the hardest part is not knowing. Not knowing if it helped or what will happen... and not knowing if I'll have to go through it again.
Today all you can see is a little mark from the needle. Just one tiny little mark that caused so much pain and devastation. yes the picture has a filter on it. didn't want to scare you with the stretchmarks.

I think Im going to take a bath and maybe actually get dressed today and try to do something outher than lay on the couch... and not feel like a bum. I want to thank everyone that has been praying for me and given me well wishes of hopes and prayers.

Hope is what guides us. It's what gets us through the day... and especially the night.

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