Tomorrow is my one month check to see if my cancer is in remission. One month ago tomorrow I had my surgery 3 weeks ago I started a week round of radiation.
Last night I had cramps so bad I laid in bed bawling. People seem to think that once you have your cancer removed that everything goes right back to normal... Nope!
First is that fear.. always that fear of when and if it comes back. The anxiety from waiting for your checkpoints to be tested and waiting to see if they come back clear.
I am exhausted... completely exhausted. Radiation was hard. I still can't eat normal. I mean don't get me wrong I'm gonna try, I'll just pay for it later... but sometimes its definately worth it. My legs still ache when I get home and make it so I can't sleep, then I feel bad because I'm constantly moving them and worried I'm keeping hubby up. There are days I'm just lazy... then I feel bad because I think I should be more productive. I'm emotional. I've got this pesky heart and kidney problems going on that will be there forever. I'm either freezing or burning up.. there is no in between. When I get my periods I get them bad. If it wasnt the fear of this cancer showing up in my lungs Id have had that pesky traitor yanked out a long time ago, so for now we have an impasse and it will stay right where it is... reluctantly.
I think a big downside to this is also having someone to talk to about it. I talk to other survivors or ones going through treatment now at my group. But I feel like I am whining or always being negative when I talk to "normal" people. I hate when people ask me how I feel... like crapt.. I. feel. like. crapt.... but I also know it will get better. It will get more manageable. Sometimes it's exhausting trying to pretend everything is okay ... but I've gotten pretty good at it.
Last night I came home and hubby had made me dinner ham and fried potatoes and corn and even got me a chocolate pie becuase he knew my period had started. He had even waited to eat with me. He rubbed my aching feet... and was just there for me. It was just nice. I think he has decided it's his mission to take care of me. This is really nice most of the time. But sometimes when Im really hurting he has this look. a look like he wants to fix me but can't , a look like he's scared.. I hate that look. It makes me feel like it's pity or that I have to console him. Some days just suck worse than others. But my survival rate for said days are 100%. I'm not as fragile as he thinks lol.
Today is my anniversary and my husband has surprised me with a trip to Kansas City to see ...phantom of the opera. 17 years ago I had tickets to see phantom of the opera because I had always loved it. My youngest daughter got very sick and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks so I never went. The dress I got for it has sat in my closet for 17 years. I pulled it out and it still fits. so I am finally going to get to wear it and see the play. I am super excited about it. But I also know tomorrow I have testing and it will make me hurt. I have decided I am going to this no .matter.what.
Sometimes ya just have to lick the whisk. Carpe diem!
I don't know how my tests results will turn out. I am torn between trying not to think about it and being scared sh@#tless. But I do know I will walk in there and get them done.I will go on my trip and do my very best to enjoy and remember every minute of it and worry about the results later.
Cancer sux Ya'All!
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