Saturday, April 18, 2015

pity party on asile 5...

What else is a blog for except to vent, to rant, to share. So today Im using this as kinda my journal to get some stuff off my chest.

There is this sweet guy that used to come in and send money to his kids in kenya. He was born and raised there . The other day I was working in self checkout, and he needed help.
He started talking to me about stuff. at the end he said thanks for listening to me sometimes
thats all people really need is to talk to someone and get things off there chest..
He was definately right.

As some of you that have kept up with my blog know, I have had cancer.
 In august of 2012 I found out I had cervical cancer. In October I had it frozen.
In March of 2013 I found out I then had Uterine cancer, that was frozen in October almost a year to the date.
I was doing fine until my 6 month check and I found out that it was back.
After a looong road I was able to have my cancer frozen in September of 2014 .
My 6 week check came and more than 3 weeks later I finally got the good news that my cancer was still gone.. All clear. I was estatic!
Thursday. The chemo that helped get rid of my cancer damaged my heart muscles and kidneys.
I have been taking pills and trying to get it under control. But it has been a downward battle.
Im constantly getting kidney infections, & Im soo tired all the time.
After an incident, I was made to go get a complete workup and tests done on Thursday.
I have been given lisinopril and coreg. I need to take these for the next couple of months, to see if any improvement is happening. if it's not. their next step is to put in a pacemaker.
This has freaked me out. When my cancer was froze last time I died on the operating table and
since then I have had nightmares about it.
I did not see any light or even know it happened, I just went out and remember waking up with my chest sore. But I have had nightmares about this since then, So the thought of going under is
terrifying to me. Not to mention that I have struggled with my body image forever and the pictures I have seen of a pacemaker is saddening to me.
I know that sounds superficial. I also know that  there are people that have lost their battles with cancer or are fighting it now, that are worse off than me.
Sometimes it makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do, but I also think I did go
through all that stuff and I do have a right to feel this way sometimes.
It sometimes feels like it's never gonna get better. I made it through all the chemo and survived the cancer only to have this drawback.
I don't dwell on it, But I will admit to having myself a couple of pity parties, then I get over it and go on.
So thanks for letting me share, now to go get some tings done.

Happy Saturday Ya'All!

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