What does a sick person look like?

 

I remember one day during my first bout of cancer my boss came up to me and asked me if I was okay. That I looked sick. I bawled. I thought I was doing so well hiding being sick and exhausted. That if people didnt know I had cancer they wouldn't know I was sick. I never stopped it from keeping me from work. I never let it stop me from living. 

I made sure from then on to try to not look sick. smile and not let people know how bad things were bothering me... I got pretty good at it.

Cancer sucks. getting up everyday and going for radiation and hoping to god that this time works sucks. Ive been dealing with this for almost 5 years now.

But then add all this thyroid mess and depression to it and it is just overwhelming.

In person I thought I was still doing well hiding it to the public. and at home I am a mess. I cry all the time. Im exhausted and hurt all the time. Not working sucks I feel like what made me important and gave my life meaning since my kids are grown got taken away.

The other day someone said something to my husband something about me looking not sick and asking questions about it. This person is close to me . So when I heard it it was kinda like a kick in the face. I thought about it all night. I am trying hard to be strong through all of this. And I thought that I was putting up a good front. At home when Im alone I can have my breakdowns where no one can see. and in person I can smile and act like everything is okay. But I guess the question is what did they want me to look like? like a crying pitiful thing? Something to be pitied. 

Maybe I am making a bigger deal of this than it is, and I probably am.

But I cant help feeling a little hurt.

My poor husband has had to take the brunt of all of this. He can tell when im hurting or somethings wrong. and he listens to me whine and cry and tells me im beautiful and things will get better. and the whole time he has become the sole provider for us, working long hours and then coming home to deal with me must feel like a full time job and sometimes I feel so guilty .

The other day I was trying to do the laundry and my back started aching so bad that I had to lay down for awhile and I started bawling. Im not working and im not even being a housewife. 

I havent written here for a long time . I've been dealing with all this , and not wanting to whine about my life, and Ive had some good times too. Hubby tries so hard to make me happy. Even taking me all the way to Fayetteville just to get the "special donuts of the day" But I also think sometimes a person just needs to vent and it is just easier to vent through here. People may read it and they may not but I can get it out.

Well Im off to finish the laundry and try to act like a human today.

~hope , guides me. It's what gets me through the day & especially the night.