Thursday, July 6, 2017

I miss the old me

                    Today is my 2nd last day of radiation. I have one more day... until the tests then hopefully they will come back good. Im so tired of all this. It's tiring. I just want to feel normal again.
                   Last weekend my husband told me he was taking me to see wonder woman, didn't really give me a choice. I was so excited when I first learned of the movie but it came out & I just didn't really care to go see it.W went & it was a lovely night. We got snacks and watched the movie and the mummy... I liked the movie , I liked the company, but there was not that excitement that I usually feel... and I felt guilty about that.
He asked me what I wanted to do on Sunday, & I told him nothing I just wanted to sit there on the couch.. & I was perfectly fine just doing that.
                Monday he took me to the Tulsa Zoo. I love the zoo. I love the animals. I could sit & watch the monkeys for hours. & they have just opened a new part they have made.. the lost kingdom. I had to sit down after every exhibit. I used to never do that. Even when I was taking chemo I could walk around and never have to rest. Hell I could keep walking when everyone else was tired. And it made me feel horrible.
             On 4th of july my mom asked if we wanted to go over and have burger with her and my brother. We were gonna go watch the fireworks after in Siloam. I love watching fireworks they like christmas lights seem magical to me. My mom made burgers,  corn on the cob, potato salad, & beans. My hubby stopped and got hurts donuts for everyone. It was nice sitting and talking with them. But when the time came to go watch the fireworks I just didnt feel like going. It didnt bother me at all that we didnt go see them. We did however light a sparkler and take a picture. So that counts right?
              I won't lie though having 4 days off from having to drag myself out of bed every morning and go to radiation, then come home and sleep, was nice. Today I decided to do some laundry. We havent had a dryer for almost 2 months now. So we've been going to the laundry mat. My hero husband last night got us a dryer from his brother. Of course the first set we did our washer machine decided it was going to break so it wouldn't drain. We finally got that fixed.
              I got home and went back to bed til noon. So today I thought I would do my laundry & try to be productive . I got my husbands out and started a load. By the time I was done my back was screaming, from just that little bit of standing. So I just stood there bawling. I sat down on the couch and was using my phone to check out facebook and you could visibly see my hands shaking... So of course then I sat there bawling again. I don't know what is wrong today. Today is just a worse day than usual. Usually I feel like I'm drowning but I can usually just feel numb. Today  I just can't seem to stop crying. I don't know why. I don't know why Today just sucks. I have tried everything my therapist has said... positive thinking, making myself do things I don't want to do, breathing. taking all the pills they tell me to take. I just want to feel normal. I want to go back to my job, that I really like, and be able to talk to my friends and not feel guilty. I feel so guilty about everything and I know that I cannot control the situation and I'm doing everything to try to fix it that I can, but I just can't help it. I go see my therapist and cry. But I feel like I can with her. I don't feel guilty for not being so strong, and just being able to shake this off & suck it up, and go on like before.
           So I think I'm gonna take a clonopin & lay on the couch and binge watch reign... & hopefully try to finish my laundry. & hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Cancer sux ya'all!

No comments:

Post a Comment