Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Radiation with a side of Anti depressants

I know it's been awhile. I have been MIA for awhile. Well I was here , I was just keeping to myself for awhile. Alot has happened since I talked to you guys and shared on here.
* My baby girl came to visit . It was a good visit but I felt bad cause I slept alot and ended up dragging her to the doctors with me... but more about that later.
* I just did my  3rd day of week 2 of radiation.

Im pretty sure I've said this before but with my brain fog I forget sometimes. When you have cancer there is usually an end game.. a goal you want to get to. When we last talked I had made a deal with my doctors to take the megestrol and hormone therapy and wait to do radiation until my daughter left.
I'm really not sure which is worse chemo or the megestrol.
 I know I mentioned before that my thyroid was a really high number.The doctor put me on medication. Before that medication I could function.. however things just got worse...
*tired all the time
* but couldn't sleep at night/ brain was racing and thinking
*constant headache
*my lower back in my hips would ache if I stood for too long
* cramps in my arms and legs
*my hand and feet on the right side would be freezing while I was warm everywhere else
* arms legs hands going numb for no reason
* forgetting things, things like knowing a word but not being able to say it
*crying all the time
*constipation/ diarrhea
*bad menstrual  cramps
*blood pressure going high, then low
*blurry vision
*shakey inside
*shortness of breath
*feeling my heart pound through my body
*gained weight

I wanted so bad for my daughter to have a good visit and not have to worry about me being sick. After lots of trying to get another appt with my doctor I was able to see her while my daughter was here. She did more blood tests and told me I had hashimoto's disease(for those of you like me that have no clue what that was I will spare you having to look it up like I did-
Hashimoto's disease is a condition in which your immune system attacks your thyroid, a small gland at the base of your neck below your Adam's apple. ... Inflammation from Hashimoto's disease, also known as chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis, often leads to an underactive thyroid gland)
And she also prescribed me anti- depressants. She told me I was not the same person that came in the first time. 
Anti depressants. I had a hard time coming to terms with that. I have went through 5 rounds of uterine cancer and have not had to take anything. Sure I had some bad days here and there, but nothing like this. I mean I knew something was wrong with me. I didn't want to do anything except lay on the couch and watch tv. I didn't want to go anywhere, talk to anyone, didn't even want to take a bath. I think I also felt like it made me weak. Im supposed to be strong. Hopelessness, like there will never be an end to all this. And guilt I have so much guilt. I sent a friend a message and asked her what she thought, because there is such a astigmatism to people being depressed and taking meds for it. She asked me if I thought it would help... I told her I didn't know but I needed to do something cause this wasn't me.

So I got the antidepressants. We took my daughter up to Branson to do some things while she was here. I ended up taking a nap between doing things. I had to stop and rest alot... and I felt horrible, and guilty, and not myself. I wanted so bad for her to have a good visit and for her not to have to deal with the mess that is me... that was the plan. And I am ashamed to say I ended up having  couple crying meltdowns in front of her.. a mom is supposed to take care of her kids not the other way around.
I got a call from my doctors and they said they wanted me to see the therapist ASAP. So we made another trip up to the doctors this time to see the therapist . She told me I was severely depressed and having anxiety. She said she wasn't sure if it was from the meds, the radiation, life, or what. She gave me some tips about breathing and positive thinking... I'm trying but it doesn't help. She also sent my doctor a message to discuss what she learned and to see me again.
By this time I had been taking the anti depressants for 2 weeks with no change and I had admitted defeat and put in for a leave of absence. The doctor told me that my body must be very sensitive to the thyroid meds she had me on and so she prescribed me a different one. She also said that by now we should have seen some change with the anti depressants. So she prescribed me a different one of those and a anxiety pill to take if needed.

I have been taking these new one for about a week and a half now. Im not sure if they are helping yet or not. Im seeing the therapist every week , which helps because I feel like I can cry to her and not feel guilty, like she is an unbiased person I can tell all my troubles to who doesnt judge me or feel like they have to fix it. I've been making a list of things I did today.. and to anyone who looks , it would look like I was lazy or stupid but to me they are little victories that I can see. Im supposed to be trying to make myself do things I don't want to do. She suggested coloring... I've done that a little but I get blurry vision and dizzy and I end up stopping.

Radiation sucks. But to be honest. I feel like crapt most of the time right now so I have no clue whats from the radiation and whats from all this other stuff . Today I had to stop by the side of the road to throw up. It got in my hair so at least I took a shower today .So yep thats about it. Im working on things. minute by minute ...

Cancer Sux Ya'All!

No comments:

Post a Comment