Friday, August 26, 2016

Hope is what guides me...

Wow it's been awhile since I posted anything  personal on my blog...
I'm about to get real personal...
 Many of you know that I have had and survived uterine cancer 3 x's now.
 I got a call from the doctor telling me they had some problems with my blood tests and needed me to come in. 3 weeks ago today I went and was told they thought my cancer was back. I had my cat scans and mri, blood tests, xrays and ultrasounds, and was told to wait for the results. I went to work But my wonderful bosses let me go home...
I got the call to come in cause my results were in last week and was able to go in on Friday.
4 little words that can turn your world upside down..
 Your cancer is back.
Stage 2 uterine sarcoma. We discussed treatments and options.
The chemo severely damaged my heart & kidneys last time and I have been very close to getting a heart pump and going on dialysis if it couldn't be stabilized.
So we decided to boost my heart and kidney meds and start me on hormone therapy and in a couple weeks I am going to have to go in and get a introlesional injection of chemo into my tumors.

I left the doctors just numb. I drove to the river & just sat and cried. Anyone that has ever been through any of this knows its exhausting, its depressing.I try really hard to be strong and stay positive. But Im not going to lie there are days that I am just done with it all. At one point last time, I was coming to a T in the road and for one quick second I thought I could just drive right through. I looked up and a caseys pizza truck happened to be going by and I just started laughing. How ironic that it was my favorite pizza truck going by. After my first surgery I died on the operating table, since then I have been going to cancer grief and support counceling, and it helps sometimes. Especially talking to someone that knows how it feels.
 I went to work and tried really hard not to let it bother me. I went to my nephews birthday and just enjoyed it.
On monday I started my meds and oh my god.
Let me just say that cancer is not for the weak. the first couple days are the worst. I spent most of the morning laying on the bathroom floor so I could get to the toilet in time. I tried to go to work but after having to run to the back bathroom to go to the bathroom and having them have it closed for cleaning I thought. It is humiliating to be getting sick anyways but to do it on the floor in walmart in front of all those people I could not do it. I found my manager and told her I was going home. I was truly sorry I wanted to be able to handle it. I just couldn't. She told me I was fine and to go.
But I sat in my car and cried. I am NOT a weak person and this made me feel like I was.
I stayed home the next day. And then I decided I needed to go, I needed to will myself to get through this. I want to live . I am not going to sit and wither and die.
I have gotten some anti nausea pills which help a little . My head always feels like someone has it in a vise grip. My whole body aches, it literally hurts if anyone touches it.I go from freezing to burning up. Im shakey. at night when I try to sleep my legs ache so bad I want to cry. I can't sleep between thinking and the pain.
But I am going to do this one day at a time and I Will beat this.
I have lots of support from Family and friends, even if its just to listen to me cry or bitch.
So if you ask me how I am I will probably say I am here. cause you really don't want to know. But I am here!
My sister asked me what I thought about this... and to be honest it scares the shit out of me.. I don't want to be sick, I dont want to be tired all the time and sore. worry about eating and I definitely don't want to die. I still have a lot of things I want to do, places I want to go. It pisses me off. It's depressing. and it's exhausting. But I am a fighter and I will beat this again.
This right here is what makes me get up each morning and continue..

So I have learned to keep a towel on the floor to lay on, electronic devices areamazing. My disney emoji game is getting a workout. and pain pills are my best friend.

I absolutely love this song and listen to it every day.. it definitely speaks to me
 I will leave you with this. It is one of my favorite quotes, & the inspiration for the tatoo I got after my last bout with cancer...

Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day and especially the night.

Have a wonderful day Ya'all!

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